comic about how I’ve been feeling recently
This is actually me as of recent years.
I’ve grown very apathetic, frustrated, and apathetic. For me, I think a combination of impatience for financial independence and a general tiring of all the constant bullshit being fed to me from every direction in my life contributed to most of my apathy.
Life sucks. Life actually sucks, and you don’t realize it until you compare all the pain, suffering, and disdain to all the times you’ve been told not to quit or give up, because they care about you. It’s great to be loved and needed by others, but everyone has their own life, so they all can’t be in your life 24/7. (though I would bet some would try) So what does that mean for your own self?
It’s hard for me to improve my own life, but I try, every day. Sending in job applications, going to interviews, submitting demos to labels, and continuously waiting with patience for the fruits of my labor to sprout. Minimal to no results, and constant discouragement from my parents, claiming that “I’m not trying hard enough.” I have stopped to consider whether or not I’m trying hard enough, and as far as I know, 3 applications a day, with a few walkins and the occasional job fair that happens around here, yeah, I guess I can do better. I just hate that the more I do, the less encouraging things are. Patience is a virtue, I know, I used to be the first one to preach that, but it just gets harder and harder the longer and longer the wait.
Plus, life is never fair, nor was it ever at one point, “fair”. Living in a land where you’re judged like a piece of meat, treated like an idiot, and constantly lied to by the people you’re taught to trust really sucks. Mindless activities like video games and other hobbies are requiring more and more effort to do. There are only a handful of people who I consider good friends, and only 3 or 4 of them I can actually see in person, but not as often as I want because their time is cut by life (work, school, etc.), and my finances are cut by life as well.
Just like every other halfwit on this planet, I’ve been hard-wired to believe that money will make me happy. The more I accept it, the more willing I am to sacrifice my well-being to idolize money, the less I accept it, the more excuses and medical diagnoses I try to come up with to explain why I’m “unhappy”.
Sometimes I wish I was stupid and talentless. That way I could be blind to all of this and just enjoy myself at a dead-end job and let that be that.
The only reason why I don’t wish I was dead is because my faith is only strong enough to 90 percent deny that Heaven and Hell is more than a delusion strengthened by fear of the unknown.
I fucking hate my dad, and my mom is great but she’s crazy as shit. My siblings are total assholes who hold little regard for their family, wherever they are. I don’t talk to friends because I either don’t know how or I manage to convince myself that I have too much music to distract myself from with social interaction. My interactions with random people have been slowly but steadily more arrogant, rude, apathetic, but most of all, deceptive and minimal. I take this outstanding angst out on myself through means of meaningless social media and it doesn’t help. Someone once tried to start a #ThereForSilva campaign on Twitter after I made an emotional Twitter rant and I honestly didn’t like it. I didn’t want my happiness to be some kind of Kickstarter perk as a result of barraging me with heartfelt, honest and caring tweets. I didn’t want anyone to feel like they owed me anything.
I HATE the feeling of anyone owing me anything. I never want to be a burden to anyone in any way, especially if I don’t have to be.
But I am. I’m irresponsible, arrogant, lustful, slothful, angry, talkative, over-thinking, and the worst person I will ever know, in addition to being a bad person in some way to some people, the latter of which I can or can’t live with.
The absolute worst part is that after a few hours, none of this will matter. Life will just continue. So getting words out is the only thing I have the power to do right now, even if some of it doesn’t even make sense. I’m just honestly wasting time and finger strength.
I’m not very sad, I just really had to get this out.